The Publishing Process–In “Call Me Maybe” Parodies

Recently, I’ve discovered that there’s a “Call Me Maybe” parody for just about everything publishing-related. (Hopefully, you’ve all heard “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen at least once in your life. It’s seriously everywhere.) Plus, I come up with them way too easily to be socially acceptable. And I decided it would be fun to put them together into one blog post.

So, without further ado, I give you the publishing process in “Call Me Maybe” parodies!

(I was bored, okay?)

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Author to Novel Idea: “Hey, I just thought of you/ and this is craaazy/ but I want to write you/ so let me, maybe?”

*When the book is done*

Author to Finished Novel: “Hey, I still love you/ and this is craaazy/ but you can get published/ so let’s query, maybe?”

Author to Agent: “Hey, I don’t know you/ and this is craaazy/ but here’s my manuscript/ so rep it, maybe?”

Agent to Author: “Hey, I just met you/ and this is craaazy/ but I want to rep you/ so let’s sub it, maybe?”

*Offer is accepted*

Agent to Editor: “Hey, good to see you/ and this is craaazy/ but here’s a new novel/ so pub it, maybe?”

Editor Agent: “Hey, I just read it/ and this is craaazy/ but I def love it/ so let’s make a deal, maybe?”

*When the book is out*

Reader to Author: “Hey, I just read you/ and this is craaazy/ but I loved your novel/ so write a sequel, maybe?”

***

This is probably the dumbest blog post you’ve ever read. In my defense, my brain isn’t functioning properly today.

(Disclaimer: I skipped a approximately two bazillion steps in the actual publishing process, but covering each step with a parody would take forever.)

It’s All Luck

I remember only a little over a year ago when I used to think that because books made the NYT, USA Today, or whatever major bestseller’s lists, they’re automatically the best quality books out there. In my defense, it made sense. Quality = Popularity, right?

Wrong.

I mean, this should be true, but most of the time, it isn’t. It’s often the most heavily marketed books that make those bestseller’s lists, not necessarily the best written ones. How do publishers decide which book is best to market? No, not quality, but commerciality. I’ll admit, sometimes commerciality includes quality, sometimes it doesn’t. Unfortunately, it’s not as much of a factor as it should be. No, I’m not saying that all books on the NYT bestseller’s list are bad—I’m not even saying that any of them are bad—but I am saying that these books are not necessarily best. While some of the books on the top of the major lists are, in fact, the best out there, others (like a Fifty Shades of Grey) just… aren’t.

I hear that Twilight was very well hyped pre-release. It got that big marketing pushing that I’m sure a ton of much more deserving books did not get. And now some people think Twilight is one of the best books ever written. I don’t really want to call it a bad book because I haven’t read more than a sample on Amazon, but it clearly isn’t the best book ever written. You know those guilty pleasure TV shows/movies that aren’t necessarily well scripted or acted, but are addictive nonetheless? Yeah, those? This is Twilight. This is what I mean by “meh” books. Obviously a ton of people are enjoying it, and I have no problem with that, but in the end, it just isn’t a quality book. It doesn’t have any depth, doesn’t create unique characters, concepts, or plots. Sure, it’s fun, it’s addictive, but it’s not that well done.

And I think that’s where my problem is. While there are some super amazing books on the NYT bestseller’s lists, there are just as many “meh” books that got a ton of hype from their publishers that are dominating the charts. But more than that, since people haven’t heard of Other Super-Amazing Book, they think these “meh” book is the best ever written. It’s a little sad, I guess.  

I like how Kiersten White, NYT bestselling author of the Paranormalcy trilogy, talks about becoming a bestseller. I can say that her books are the type that are certainly of the spotlight they received, but as she says: “It’s a little touchy of a subject to address, because the whole system is a bit…well, let’s just say some books hit when other equally (or more) deserving books don’t, and no one is ever quite sure why. So, please know that I am not trying to brag. Many books I consider superior to mine do not have the distinction of being official bestsellers.”

But what she hit upon here is, for me, the underlying theme of this industry: It’s all luck. Bad books make the bestseller’s lists all the time. Great books are so often undervalued. I read books that are insanely popular today and sure, they’re good, but they aren’t as well done as “X” book that no one has ever heard of, or “Y” book that was never even published. It’s luck, guys. This industry is based on so much luck. I should caps lock it: IT IS ABOUT LUCK. I shouldn’t complain about luck, but, knowing me, I will anyway. It just isn’t fair that a “meh” book makes the top of the bestseller’s lists, while a clearly better book has next to no one reading it. But the thing is, that’s how it works. That’s life. We just have to deal with it.

I think that’s why I love success stories so much. They defy the odds of marketing and let quality lead the way, and it makes me smile. It does. I’m so thankful for those books that restore my faith in the publishing industry, and I guess that’s why I like to highlight them here.

 

So that’s all I have for today. The above may very well be entirely incoherent and babbly, so keep in mind that this was written late at night, since I just remembered that I still have a blog. Crazy how that happens, right? For those of you who follow me, I have a pretty awesome blogaversary planned for you guys. I’ll make an announcement in about week, so stay tuned on that. Also, yes. There are ARCs in the mix, along with a ton more.

Also x3: I may have been (accidentally) neglecting you guys, but just remember that if you’re reading this, you’re awesome. Really, you so are.

Hai!

August 2012 EDIT:

Um, so it’s 1 a.m. on my first blogaversary, and to celebrate I went back and read some old posts. They were beyond embarassing, to say the least, and I deleted many. Then I got to this one. My introductory post. And I… I just… I dunno. It was too embrassing. I can’t believe anyone read it in the first place. I can’t even put into words how awful this post was, but even though I will never again show it to anyone, here’s how it opened: “welcome to my Blog!!” Yeah, with ‘welcome’ not capitalized and ‘blog’ capitalized, and the random exclamation point. This is not an exaggeration, sadly. The post was that bad. I was going to let it go, but I just couldn’t do it. It was too painful. So I’m rewriting it. I’m not going to re-introduce myself, though. If in five years, a novel of mine is published and a reader is going back on my blog to see where it all began, I want to say this: This blog has changed me.

When I first started it on August 13th, 2011, this blog was a route to promote some free flash fiction story I wrote and self-published on Smashwords about a kid who murdered his dad (I know, horrible, right? I had a sick mind even then). The story is terrible, I now see, but I didn’t know that at the time. I even submitted it to review sites–yes, review sites. This 900 word flash fiction story and I’m asking bloggers to review it alongside real, published novels. I had no idea what I was doing. I wrote my first novel, which I called a “YA mystery” even though the protagonist was 30 and it was like a modern version of THE MALTESE FALCON, and I was querying it at the time of the start of this blog, confident an agent would represent it. It sucked. Majorly. But I didn’t know that. I didn’t know anything. I had no idea how to act professional. I had no idea what blogging was, or what twitter was, or whatever. I was clueless. But not just the clueless that all people will claim to be: I had no idea how to write well, how to blog, how to be cordial–nothing. I truly started as nothing. Just a bored student procrastinating summer reading, trying to do something special.

Today is August 13th, 2012. And I will say, I have changed. So, so much. This blog has changed me. Now: I’m an intern for Pam van Hylckama of Larsen Pomada, I just started querying my second novel which betas have loved, I know a ton about the publishing industry, I know the ins-and-outs of self-publishing and trade-publishing, I have published poems and short stories in non-profit lit mags, and I know how agents work, how queries work, I know so much about YA, and I know how to be professional. I have so many amazing online friends, I have awesome CPs (some with agents), and I feel confident in what I’m doing.

I’m going to bed now, and I’m sorry if this was a total meaningless ramble. But guys, I’m smiling just thinking about how far I’ve come, and I can’t wait for the day when I sell a book and look back on this revised post and think: Wow, I was an idiot back then. Because I will always be improving. Each blog post I write is better than the previous, each book I write teaches me something new, each manuscript I read at my internship helps me realize the problems in my own writing. I will always look back on something from before and realize: This sucks. But that’s okay. That’s the nature of improving.

If in five years you’re reading this and I’m a real author with a published book, thank you.

Dreams do come true.

–Me, at now 1:30 a.m.